Sunday, February 2, 2014

A New Lease You Are, My Love, On Life

Last night I had the pleasure of having one of the most profound and honest conversations I've had in a long time with a new friend and kindred spirit.  No cell phones or distractions, minus the dancing Elvis' (plural) outside the window.  Just face to face conversation.  Strange that we have become so accustomed to having our phones in our hands checking Facebook or twitter or emails or texts, that actually stopping that, actively paying attention to the person you're with, and connecting is a refreshing experience.  Nonetheless, I am grateful to make such connections.  A wide variety of topics were covered, and I was reminded of yet another reason that I love theatre and performing so passionately.  Not only do we get to sing and dance our asses off and act out these awesome stories, but we make incredible friends along the way; friends you feel like you've known your entire life and cannot imagine your future without.  We are an ever expanding family of artists who care deeply for one another, and are constantly learning and growing as a result of knowing each other.

Anyway, the typical "getting to know you" conversations of our pasts were had, and I figured it's as good a time as any to share that information with the rest of you, as it ties directly into my character motivation for Angel, and why I am so passionate about this show.

About a year and a half ago I was having what you might call an early-mid-life-crisis.  Actually, I had been in this state of crisis for a few years, but didn't recognize it as so until later.  I had been hung up on what-ifs and maybes and held back by my own fear since quitting college after a semester in a school I didn't really love (though in retrospect I value the experience).  So I did the white-pickett-fence thing.  I got a full-time big boy job in which I regularly ended up working 60+ hours a week making great money for a 20-something-year-old, bought a nice car, got an apartment, got married, got a dog, had enough money to pretty much afford whatever I wanted, within reason.  Then a couple of years ago I realized that I wasn't happy.  Dispite all the luxuries in my life, I had been unhappy for quite some time.

I concluded fairly quickly that the missing link was theatre.  I'd only done two shows since school, and both were things I kind of got pulled into at the last minute, so the full experience wasn't really there. However, I knew that I needed to get back to my biggest source of happiness, which has always been performing.  Doing theatre in school brought me out of my shell and gave me a place where I could be comfortable in my own skin, be weird and awkward and funny and serious at various times with people that I trusted and knew would love me unconditionally.  Theatre saved my life then, and it did it again during this time in my adult life when I really didn't know what the hell I was doing or what I wanted anymore, but knew I couldn't stay stuck anymore.  So I had heard through the grapevine that a company was doing Sweeney Todd.  I mustered up some courage, put together a resume, auditioned, and got cast as Anthony.  Now the show was a hot mess, not for lack of talent, but I didn't care.  I finally had the chance to have a theatre family again and I was NOT going to let go of it ever again.

Sometime when you find your happiness, those who are unhappy don't understand and try to take it from you because maybe they're jealous, or don't recognize this new happy version of you.  Hell I didn't recognize myself; and it was NICE!  Anyway, I found myself in a new predicament.  I began meditating several times a day to gain some clarity.  My outlook on life began to change completely, becoming increasingly positive and more fearless every day.  As often happens when one becomes more positive, others negativity becomes more apparent.  My spouse and boss did NOT like me performing at all!  Many arguments were had on the subject at home and at work.  I knew I had to get out of both toxic relationships and do what I have always felt was my sole purpose in life, my calling!

Then one day in the fall of 2012, while noodling over all this overwhelming bullshit, a woman came into my store, sat in front of me and said, "make me up" (I was working as a makeup artist at the time).  So before I even spoke a word to her she said to me, "You're a 'Three' aren't you?"  I kindly explained that I didn't know what the hell she was talking about.  She then proceeded to speak a few words that changed my life forever.  She said that in "Numerology" I'm a three.  She new my name, birthdate, and that I sing, act, and paint without me ever speaking a word to her.  She knew that I was only working this job to fill a creative void I'd had since I had not been performing.  Then she said to me, "You're onto something really huge here.  Your life is about to change in every way imaginable.  Some of those changes are really going to hurt a lot, but they are necessary in order for you to fulfill your destiny and be the radiant person you were born to be.  You are currently in great turmoil.  You are holding onto a toxic relationship for fear of hurting someone, but you are hurting your own soul by doing so.  You HAVE to let go of that relationship to become whole and happy with yourself and to go on to be the performer you are meant to be."  I had to pick my jaw up off the floor, but couldn't speak a word.  Tears streamed down my face.  How can this perfect stranger know everything that's in of my soul when I've literraly never met her before or told her anything about my life?  And she was right...about everything!!

Within a week....ONE WEEK, my spouse and my boss both gave me an ultimatum, "It's theatre, or this!"  I made the ONLY choice.  I chose theatre.  I chose my lifelong passion.  I chose the only thing that has ever made me feel at home and happy and passionate about life!  Choosing anything else over it would have been choosing death.  There was no other choice, no other way!  (see what I did there?)  Don't be sad about it...I'm not!

IT WAS THE ABSOLUTE BEST CHOICE I HAVE EVER MADE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

I have been performing again non-stop since then, and will continue to do so.  I found a job with perfect hours for my rehearsal and performance schedule, and I actually enjoy the work too.  I have a newfound and unwavering passion for life, love, and happiness.  I have become the happiest and most positive person I know, which is a thing I never thought I'd be able to say!  Now it didn't all happen at once obviously.  I'd been working on myself for quite some time.  Meditating every day several times a day, working out nonstop, eating better, writing down what I'm grateful for every morning and every night; and I STILL do those things every day.  It's a process and I have learned to take joy in the process.  I didn't recognize myself for a while, but I knew then and I know now that failure is no longer an option or even a fear anymore.  I had lost myself for so long in the pursuit of some elses dream, and I have myself back fully now, new and improved, and with a passion for life that cannot be measured.  I have found my happiness in expressing gratitude for the many blessings in my life and in embracing those blessings to the fullest extent.

It is the law of attraction that good attracts more good.  So that has become my philosophy on life.  It's crazy to me, but I actually have had people contact me saying how I inspire them!  How awesome is that?  My mantra for the year of 2012 was "Great chaos always preceedes great change!"  and it could not have been more true.  The ways in which my life has changed in the last year and a half are paramount.  I am happier, healthier, and more successful that I have been in my entire life, and it just keeps getting better, and will ONLY get better because I now know how to harness all the positive enrgy I need.  Every show I've done in the last year has been nominated for multiple awards...if that's not great validation, I don't know what is; and it's further proof that she (my Guardian Angel the Numerology lady) was right about everything!

Though it was difficult and some of that may sound sad to you, I do not regret one bit of it.  Everything happened exactly as it was supposed to, so do not pity me or feel sad about it in any way. I am grateful for the life-experience as it can only make me a more intuitive and understanding person going forward, and enhance any character I play from now on.  To be perfectly clear...I am not resentful in any way shape or form...I am completely happy with the way things have turned out!  SMILES! :)

To bring this all back around here...when I got cast as Angel, I thought to myself...how perfectly sublime that I get to play a character who, dispite looking darkness in the face every day, laughs and dances in the light, and chooses only to spread love and joy through everything that he does.  Angel teaches us to believe in love and happiness, and to live and experience every moment to the fullest.  This woman, whose name I still do not know, was my 'Angel' that day.  She walked into my life at that moment when I most needed her, and turned me into an 'Angel' too!  It truly was a miracle.  Since then, I have fallen in love too, with an incredible, intelligent, beautiful man who continues to inspire and delight me every day.  Another 'Angel' in my life!

In closing, I could not be more honored to portray 'Angel' at this moment in my life, because I have a strong spiritual connection to the character.  It is perfect timing actually!  Though we've only been together a short time, I already feel so connected to my Rent family.  My conversations last night with a few cast members further solidified those feelings even further, and I know that doing this show is another one of those surreal life-altering transcendant experiences that will bond us together forever.  Thank you all for being 'Angels' to me!  There is a special place in my heart for you!

P.S.  Maybe I should have just written a book...I just realized how long this post is!

P.P.S.  Oh yeah...the physical transformation has been pretty great too!

January 2013                                                                                   January 2014


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